God's Hand Is In It

A mission is something else. It's this amazing opportunity to give just a little bit back to God. It's this exciting experience that cannot be replicated by anything else. It's this special period of time that is unique for each and every missionary.
And my mission experience has been no exception to the unique rule.

I arrived back into the United States yesterday and was released as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I had to return home from Brazil due to health problems.

After just under four months out, I'm now home. And there are no words to describe how this feels. When I was heading off so few months ago, the idea that I'd be coming home before my 18 months were up never came to my mind. It wouldn't happen to me... so why even bother entertaining the possibility.
I was ready to lose myself in the work and serve my Father, giving back just a mere fraction of what He's given me. I was ready for that year and a half to be my mission experience. I was ready to grow and learn. I was ready to be a missionary.
But sometimes... our plan for our life isn't the plan that God has for us. This is the case for me. Now,  there is nothing to do but trust in God. That is all one can do when they are pulled away from the dream they thought was right for them. I remember... I remember so well how much I wanted to serve... I can remember that so well. And it kills me to be sitting here. My heart has broken. I feel cut down. Cut back. Rejected. How did this happen? Is this really even happening? When will I wake up and everything will be back to normal... back to how it's supposed to be?
It's that thought... the thought of how it's supposed to be... that gets us. It's getting me that's for sure. It's this thought which makes it crucial to look to God in times like this because He knows what's happening even if we don't. It's faith in Him that will pull us through. It's faith in Him that will pull me through.

Plus He understands. He understands perfectly. Everything I can't explain, every emotion that I can't express, every pain this situation gives me -He understands. And I will rely on that because I have nothing else I can do at this point.
I don't know if more mission is waiting for me or not. Frankly, I'm kind of confused on what God wants from me. All I know is that He loves me and it'll all be okay. And for now when nothing actually feels okay that's all I need to know.

I'm thankful for that knowledge. I'm thankful that through the confusion I can have the peace to know that God is aware of me and has a plan for me. Maybe those three and a half months was all He needed from me. And if that's so, then I am honored to have been able to give that to Him.
He is the author of a perfect plan for me and for that I am eternally thankful because He can lead me better than I can lead myself. It's hard and it hurts. But the things I learned have come home with me. I have learned so much and grown so much. My testimony has grown and I know more than ever that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. It's true. It has to be. Nothing else could give me peace in such a hard time. Nothing else could make so much sense to me. Nothing else could feel so right. My life has been forever changed and is continuously shaped by Christ and His love for me.

Missions are hard. Coming home is hard, especially as early as I did. But God's hand is in it, this I know.

-Carrie Damstedt